August 11, 2011

The End of My Disney College Program - Journal

July 19
I am tired of feeling so out of place. Out of place because I'm expected to want to go home. Out of place because I catch myself falling in love with new friends every day, and I have to leave them so soon.
August 1

I feel like my heart is breaking in two. Every friend who had stolen my heart here in Florida, every goodbye I said wasn't enough. Every mile I drive "home" feels like it takes me one more mile further away from where I am supposed to be. Florida is my home. Katie and Kirsten
are my roommates and sisters. Disney is my employer. Jocilyn is my encouraging friend. Jenni is my fwench fwy eating friend who's going to change the world. Jake is my balloon selling boyfriend who still owes me a Burger King. Kevin, Ashleigh, and Victor are my parade vendors. Aleicia is my neighbor. Erin is my Ariel look alike friend. Jasmine is my adventure buddy. Jessika is my road trip go to girl. Chelse-A is my friend who will always eat ice cream with me. Nate is my late night Denny's and IHOP bud.. Every person, every friend down here, they've become my life. And tonight I'm already two hours north and continuing a journey to a new life that doesn't include them. I'm heading off to school and new friends that I don't know yet and I'm excited to meet, but all I can think about is the family that I am walking away from. The people who have stolen my heart. Florida has become my home. Except it can't be my home for the next four years, I have to figure out a new place in this world after finding one that suited me so well. I have to move. I have to move on. I have to let go. And it hurts more than I ever imagined that it could. My heart feels shattered.

August 4
I keep saying that I don't want to go, like if I say it enough something will magically happen and I'll wake up with a Floridian license plate and drivers license. But I keep saying it... and I'm still driving west.

August 10
I typed out those last few "journal entries" on my phone over the last month...just a few words, a few scribbled thoughts that I had to get out on those nights when everything inside of me didn't want to leave. And I'm putting them here, on this oh so very public blog, because I want to be honest, even brutally honest, if it lets people know me better...and nothing is more honest than a scribbled journal entry.

Tonight, a few songs played on my computer that made me stop and smile, then I got a few text messages and facebook notifications, that made my heart just twist in two, because I have been blessed by the most amazing friends, and it's hard not to see them every day. I never expected to meet such amazing people in Florida. I never expected to have my heart stolen so completely by friends who just six short months ago, I didn't even know existed. I never thought that I could find a home so quickly in a state that I'd never lived in before, in a town that I moved to by myself, in a place where I was the youngest person out of all my friends, I never thought that the restlessness and the gypsy in me would be satisfied for just a minute because I was so blessed by the people in my life. I'm stealing this quote from a note that Alecia posted, because it fits my life so perfectly:

"Something that has always puzzled me all my life is why, when I am in special need of help, the good deed is usually done by somebody on whom I have no claim"  ~William Feather 

This year, more than ever before in my life, I've touched hands with people who have changed me,who have helped me out, who have backed me up, when there was nothing it for them. Katie giving me her ginger ale and being my mom when I felt sick...Mark helping me out when I took over Frontier lemonade and there was no lemonade to sell and a line to Big Thunder and I was totally stressed out, even when he probably should have been somewhere else...Emilee showing me the ropes on parade vending when I was the annoying girl asking a bunch of many names and faces, so many friends.
 God definitely had a plan when he moved my family almost three years ago and I said, "Two year and I will be out of this town." So I graduated early. I applied for an internship. I sat on my bed with shaking hands as I waited to get a phone call from Disney. I opened a yellow envelope that had the words "Congratulations." written on the inside. I packed a bunch of suitcases. I said goodbyes. Two years and I was out of this town. And my life will never be the same because of it. My heart will never be the same.

So this ones for you guys, the thieves of my heart. This one's for the state that I hope to call home again someday. This one's for all of the friends who visited me in Florida. This one's for you, the person reading my blog and following my story even when it gets long and is full of ramblings. I couldn't have done it without you. With everything that I am, thank you.

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