August 9, 2011

Disney - Coming Home & Learning to Adjust

My last time to clock out. So bittersweet.

Well, I'm back.

Those were the words that began to draw the story of The Lord of the Rings to a close. Frodo said them as he looked at the shire, after wandering the world, after saving it, after fighting huge battles and having his life changed, he said "I'm back."

But how do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand that there is no going back.

I'm home now. Laying in my bed. Eating in my kitchen. Running on my treadmill. And I don't know how to be here. I don't know how to feel.

I'm coming home from a huge adventure, from one of the best things that I've ever done in my life. I'm coming home to a place that doesn't feel like home anymore. This feels like my parent's house.

Being here is nice, but I don't know how to go back after living on my own for six months. I can't back track. I don't want to erase all of the lessons that made me grow up over the course of this year. I loved being a kid here, but I've payed bills, I've worked my butt off, I've been independent and brave. And somehow walking into my room makes me feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. It makes me feel like I'm trying to act like nothing has changed.

But everything has changed. I've changed. And there is no way that I can ever go back to who I was six months ago. It's so strange being "home", so strange driving the familiar roads of PC, because this week, these five days, I'm playing a normal teenager for a minute. I'm living out what my summer would have looked like if I hadn't had this crazy adventure. For five days, I'm catching a surreal glimpse of what my life could have been like, and it's nice, but I'm so thankful for every step that got me to Florida. Every choice, every conversation, every prayer, because I had the time of my life in Orlando.

So here I am. Adjusting to being "back". In just a few days I'll load up some car...this time it will not be a little blue Honda, as she is currently out of service...but I have been driving a temptation red Pontiac Solstice (*wink*) and I'll drive south towards school to move into my dorm room. A new phase. A new home. A new adventure.

I'm living in a brief intermediate phase, when I'm stuck spinning between two worlds, my life in Florida and my life at SNU. It's very strange, very surreal, but now that I'm here, now that there is no "going back" to what I left behind in Florida, it's onward forward for me. No looking back. No long glances in the rear view mirror. Intermediate period or not, this is where I am right now, in this moment. So...bring me that horizon.

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