March 22, 2012

Chasing Satisfaction

[I started writing this the week before midterms, the day that I was told that I needed to take 3-4 weeks off of running if I ever expected my hip to heal. For some reason, I never clicked the publish button, so here it is...a little delayed but the words still ring true.] 

Eyes sticking together with sleep.
Face scrubbed clean of the dirt of the day.
Legs crossed Indian style on my chair.
My mind? Exhausted.
My heart? Chasing satisfaction.
My lips? Saying prayers that don't mean as much as they used to mean.

Sometimes I get stuck in a rut of the same problems, the same prayers, the same petitions, because I am so used to saying those words to God. But the things that are really on my heart, the new things, the raw things, the words that choke me up? Those go unsaid. I'm not used to saying them out loud.
I am tired tonight. There are tests coming up that I don't want to take, there's advice about running that I don't want to hear, and there are too many weeks between today and the first day of summer. It's just one of those nights.
I don't want to chase satisfaction. I don't want to be on a constant quest for contentment. There is so much more to serving God than a chase for things that will never satisfy. I am content by the ocean, I am satisfied traveling, but those things will still fade. My contentment is up for grabs to the highest bidder and I am not okay with that process. I want my heart and my satisfaction to only ever be answered in the moments when I take up my cross and follow Jesus. Until then, this world will never be enough... and the chase for satisfaction? It will always remain just that, a chase. 

Jesus continued to say to all of them, “Any of you who want to be my follower must stop thinking about yourself and what you want. You must be willing to carry the cross that is given to you every day for following me. (Luke 9:23)

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