May 21, 2012

Quiet in a Thunderstorm - God?

I should be asleep right now. 
An hour ago I could barely keep my eyes open. 
But tonight has been one of those nights when my head is spinning and the only way to slow it down is to write out scattered words
I don't like being worried. 
Or stressed. 
Or feeling ever so slightly foolish. 
I am in a place where I am having to trust that my decisions were the right ones. 
Trusting that staying in Oklahoma City for the summer was what I was supposed to do. 
Because I'm here now. 
Committed. 
My problem lies in an annoying factor. 
Working. 
I have the job that was such a God thing as far as opportunities go. 
But the thing about it is that sometimes opportunities aren't dreams. 
The job is incredibly boring. 
I've been told to bring books to pass the time. 
(Side Note: Any good book recommendations?) 
But that's not what worries me...
what worries me are the hours. 
The hours that don't start until June. 
Work is disorganized. 
A little too easy going. 
"We'll get you here sometime soon..." 
when I want, "I need to be there tomorrow." 
I'm used to efficiency. 
I'm used to a job where I worked...hard. 
Long long hours. 
Never worrying about the dollar amount on my paycheck. 
Busy days. 
Problems to solve. 
A non-stop flow of people to interact with. 
A world to shake hands with every day. 
All of that...minimized. 
A different screen pulled up. 
A screen with a few people, a few easy tasks, and not nearly enough hours.
That's what worries me.
Boredom.
Laziness.
Quietness.
Not enough work.
I've been running pretty hard for a long time now.
This summer is the first time I've had time to be chill since the summer of 2009.
That's 3 years of a minimum amount of time away from school or work.
That's overload.
That leaves me being left in the dark when I have no other choice but to take a week off.
Last week I had training and babysitting jobs.
This week...I have a clear slate.
This week (which hasn't even really begun yet)...I feel like I'm going stir crazy.
But God is whispering at me.
It's right there on the edge of my ear.
Be quiet.
Listen.
Rest.
For some reason, I have time to be still this week.
It's driving me crazy, but I think I need this time.
I need to remember who I am serving.
I need to remember to listen.
I need to focus on everything that I haven't had a chance to focus on in a long time.
I am stressed, but God keeps saying,
"Remember the lilies of the valley, they don't work or worry, but don't I clothe them? And the sparrows? Don't they eat? I've got you Mandy. I've given you this time. Don't waste it."
I don't want to waste it.
I want to cherish these small moments.
The insignificant ones.
The moments where who I am comes crashing up against where I thought I would be, and reality is battled out before me.
The moments of identity tension that I am usually too busy to even notice.
I want to meet God this week.
I want to discern his voice from the thousands of other voices that are still twirling around in my head.
I want to trust Him.
Even when everything goes quiet.
Especially when everything goes quiet.
This is strangely hard for me.
Hard to come to terms with the fact that right now, it's me and God and nobody else is in the way of that picture.
But that's what I want.
I want to grapple the lessons learned in the still moments.
I want to encounter God in a secret and quiet place.
If this week is the week when the noise in my life disappears and only the voice of God remains...then I am learning to trust that I need this week.
I want to be quiet.
I want to learn to listen.
I want to know God more.