September 18, 2012

Awakening To God's Voice

Four nights ago I was on the phone for an hour crying my eyes out.
Absolutely crying like I haven't cried in a long time. 
Wobbly voice, cannot breathe, heavy heart...crying.
I specifically said, "What am I even doing here?"

God answers, even when my questions aren't directed at Him.

God answers.

Friday afternoon I received an answer. Encouragement. Endurance.
And then tonight. Tonight, God showcased his faithfulness. 
There are circumstances, specific, hard, circumstances that shaped me into who I am today. 

So many words come to mind...so many images. 
Struggles.
Moving. 
Contentment.
Loneliness.
Finding a home and then having that home ripped out from under me. 
Specific moments in my life.
Detailed moments.
Moments when my faith was more solidified than any other moments in my life.

There are lessons that I have learned that have shaped me tremendously, but I never ever thought about the way that they could benefit other people. 
My circumstances were unique, my trials exclusive.

At least...that's what I thought.

And God is faithful.
Faithfully good at shaking up my perception. 
How selfish of me to believe that my trials were exclusive. 
They were given to me for a purpose, a purpose beyond myself.
My trials, even the old ones, the ones that are years old, are often placed in my life for reasons so much bigger than I can see. 
Like relating to someone whom without the situations I've been through, I wouldn't relate to at all. 
Having a heart to heart conversation with a girl who is living through what I've lived through.
The variables are a little different but the formula is the same. 
And God is faithful.

"What am I even doing here?"

This week, that was a much needed question for me.
It forced me to look myself in the mirror and be real. 
To search out the purpose of why I am where I am.
To listen closely to God.
He answered.
His faithfulness is continually on display.
There's a reason why my story is written the way that it is written, and there's a reason why my current chapter has me where it does. 
I will never see the end to all of the loose ends to my story.
We never do. 
But sometimes, God gives us glimpses of His purpose. 
In those moments, those life shaking moments...
everything makes sense. 

I cried out...

and my God answered.