December 9, 2012

Journal - Craving Jesus

Numb.
Shattered high expectations.
And nothing has changed.
I'm in a drought period right now, a frustrating spiritual drought period because I can see the water, and I am too caught in my own ruts to move closer to relief.
I feel numb to the highs and lows of life and I feel stuck in the mundane.
The grey zone.
The place where you go through the motions and come out on the other side unaware of really feeling anything at all.
This semester has been hard.
The past month has been doubly so.
Classes have been intense and free time has disappeared.
I think I've entered into a state of longing for quietness.
Longing for Jesus.
Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he satisfies.
It's hard to have a hard semester when I want to be carefree.
It's selfish to want that carefree life as intensely as I do.
I am so happy with where I am geographically.
So satisfied with the quality of my education this semester.
So blessed by the people in my life.
So amazed by Blake's everyday love.
And yet, I am tired.
Desperate for a chance to be still and know God.
I want to run away into the desert for 40 days and listen.
Be hungry.
Thirst.
Forget all of the things that I "want" and rely on the only sustaining thing in this world.
I am tired of feeling numb.
Tired of going through the motions.
I know that I am tired.
This past week of school was really one of the hardest weeks I have ever encountered.
Physically and mentally I am exhausted as I prepare for finals week.
That exhaustion is playing with my emotions and I understand that that is what is going on in my heart.
To an extent.
I also understand that I need God.
I need a place to worship freely.
The craving of my soul is to love God wholly and completely...now. Right now. Today. This week. Every moment.
I am desperate for Jesus and growing numb to this world.
Only he satisfies.