August 14, 2014

Learning to Love With Abandon

I have been staring at this blank white screen for at least twenty minutes now. To be honest, I really don't know where to begin. Over the past few months I have had so many words that I have wanted to write. So much heartache. So many adjustments. So many stories.

So much life.

Yet, a simple thing like the frugalness of two people who don't find Internet to be essential in their lives has kept our condo wi-fi free and severely lowered my motivation to go elsewhere for the great world wide web. As a result, my words have bottled up for months just waiting to spill out onto paper.

It's been an odd summer. Life has felt more muddled then I ever remember it feeling before. Maybe it's because I am officially, in every sense of the word, an adult now. Although, I've felt like an adult since I was eighteen so I don't really think that's the problem. Maybe it's because we work 8-5 jobs for the first time ever, and the corporate world is fun and crazy and I've loved it thus far...although that doesn't explain the muddledness. I think, mostly, there have just been so many adjustments since coming back to Oklahoma and mixed in with heartache and words like cancer, it's been hard to find stable ground.

We hang out with other married people now, which is awesome. One of our biggest reasons for coming back to OKC was our longing for the community we had just begun to become a part of...and believe me, the only thing keeping me content here is this community. Knowing we have a time frame on how long we'll live here helps too, but who knows what will happen. I think, really, the words I'm struggling to find won't come because they're just too hard to spit out.

For so many years, I have been jumping from puddle to puddle, always with the next puddle in sight. Now, I have to learn how to be content for the time being otherwise I will grow indifferent to the people in my life and the purpose of this journey. So, contentment. Although to be honest, I've been trying to learn how to be content for so long with my physical location that I'm really beginning to feel like I was created for something else, otherwise this whole contentment thing would feel more natural. If God really put eternity in our hearts like He says, then I think the lid was loosened when he got to me and a whole bunch dumped out. I crave eternity even more then I crave chocolate (which is a lot) because I know that once we get to that place where heaven meets earth...my desires for adventure and fulfillment and Jesus will finally be satisfied. I guess you could say that I'm content being discontent, as long as my discontent comes from impatience waiting for Jesus.

Sincerest apologies if I'm rambling, but hey, it's in the name of the blog, I do what I want.

One of the biggest decisions in my life of recent days has been my decision to write a book. I won't give away the spoilers yet, because it's in the "pre-production" phrase...but trust me, if I can pull off the execution it'll be great...at least I know my mom will like it. And my grandparents, because it's about them.

Shhh. Don't say a word.

I guess, really, my words are so fragmented in these moments. I feel as though they're reflecting the state of my heart these days. Fragmented. Trusting God although I don't really know how or feel like doing it. One of the phrases that has completed shattered me in the past few months has been the phrase, "strong Christian." I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that the Christ-followers I most admire are strong anymore. Rather, they are faithful. They are weak and God works through them in their weakness. They have hope in hard situations. They pray when their words are broken and their worlds are lost. I used to think I wanted to be strong and have it all together...but I don't feel that way right now. I feel like life just doesn't make sense and maybe it's not supposed to and maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to be faithful when I don't like the taste of faith in my life. Maybe I need to love when it is the hardest to love. Maybe I need to forgive when the last thing I think I can do is offer forgiveness. Maybe restoration is waiting just around the corner, waiting for me to drop the facade that says, "I have it all together and I am a strong Christian" and say instead, "I think I give up. I can't do this anymore. I don't know why I believe this, but I do. I don't know why I'm choosing this path, but I am. I don't know who God is, but I know that he is good, somehow. I believe that someday this image will be made clear."

Today, in the moments that I am living in, somewhere between Sprouts grocery store and Tuesday nights with our small group, I am learning that Jesus is so much more complicated then I have ever known he was. Yet, he is the same as he has always been, and he loves with abandon.

So I'm trying to love with abandon. Even when it hurts. Even when death rips holes in my heart and divorce pours pain on the wounds. I'm trying to love because I know that love heals these hurts. I'm not a strong Christian anymore. I'm a pretty broken one. Weak. Tear-filled on many nights and joy filled often. I have hard questions that aren't being answered and I'm choosing to believe that someday they will be answered or someday I won't need the answers anymore. I'm not strong. I'm weak as can be and I need Jesus more desperately then ever before.

And he satisfies.

That's the thing about Jesus, I think he shows up more visibly in the hurt and the heartache then anywhere else.

So I choose him, over and over again. When it doesn't make sense. When the world feels rough. When I feel him chipping away at my guarded and cynical heart...I choose Him.

You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.